On my way to this point, there were a lot of times where I was angry with God and confused. Was I making my own path and just thinking that God was with me, or was this really Gods will?
It seemed as though God was with me every step when I decided to make a way for myself to be a work-from-home mom. All the way up until I had to choose between working full time with Em in daycare, or quit my job without know the future. And I quit. I was so mad that God did not have something ready for me. I ALWAYS had something ready.
It made me question every move I made. It made me question Gods goodness.
Just recently I was thinking about how Emily gets so sad with real tears and frustration when I take something away from her. And I imagined how this will probably continue when she gets older and she might say the words "You don't love me!".
She hasn't said those words yet, but I know they are coming. And it REALLY hurt my feelings already!
How can she think I don't love her. I have done so much and am doing so much just for her! She has no idea!
Then I thought..."Ooooooooh" and realized I have thought that exact same thing towards God.
"Does he REALLY care that I made this plan and thought it was His this whole time?"
"Why do I bother even wanting or asking for anything?" "
"He saved us from our sins and eternal separation, but that is it, he is done."
This past week I've been getting a lot of reminders about how God loves us and wants to be with us. And having Emily reminds me of that often. I want to be with her and God wants to be with me.
Looking back, I really feel like I was toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I know that I will have another fit of "God doesn't love me" in the future. But MAYBE Ill remember all this and Ill be able to put myself back in check!
Maybe...;)
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