Now What

It’s the Monay before I have to return to work. Its late September.  I don’t have day care set up.

The first place I interviewed didn’t have a slot until Late November. The Second place I interviewed didn’t have a slot open until late October. I really thought that I would not have to worry about this. I was so sure God would have provided a way for me to be home. Im very sad and confused. I call a third day care and they don’t call me back. I attempt to set up some temporary nanny provision and that isn’t going to work. What do I do now?

I call work and let them know about my situation. My boss tells me that he will talk to HR and will get back to me…

It’s the Friday before I have to return to work. The day is slipping by. Finally at 330 I get a call. They will allow me to work from home until November 1^st. Not a day later.  We will see. Maybe this is what God wanted. Maybe I will be able to work from home permanently. Maybe they will think that this is working really well. Maybe they will see Im not needed and let me go with a package. This can be really good. 

12 days

I have 12 days until I have to go back to work.
I interviewed with a day care that is on my way to work. It’s a fine place. Its cute. The ladies have been there for many years.
I really DO NOT want to put my baby in day care. Its breaking my heart, but nothing has worked out. And then there is the cost. It is going to cost an entire paycheck for a months worth of daycare. Soooo, Not only is my salary cut in half, I have to have my baby raised by other people. I’m working for half a months pay FULL-TIME and see my baby for 8 hours less. Basically I will see her for about 4 of her awake hours and an hour of that is in the car. This just plain SUCKS!
What is the point what the heck am I working for! I can pay my school bills. Thats it! Nothing else! No eating out, no entertainment.IT SUCKS IT SUCK IT SUCKS IT SUCKS IT SUCKS.

Put it in the trash

So with a little over 2 weeks before I have to go back to work I decided that I have to let go of MY PLANS. Its not easy. It just seemed so perfect.
I get laid off, I get severance, I get unemployment and use that time to find the perfect job that I KNOW is out there so that I can be home with my baby. The thing Ive worked towards since that first miscarriage.
Well Scripture says that "A mans life is not his own, it is not for man to direct to steps" and "dont worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough trouble of its own" and "My ways are higher than your ways, My plans are higher than your plans"
So this perfect plan that God could have used isnt happening. I need to let it go. But it keeps popping back that maybe TODAY they will call me to let me go...MAYBE they are waiting till Friday...etc etc etc. That is not letting it go. So I had to visualize me on my hands and knees on a shaking trash can trying super hard to hold the lid down, because SEVERANCE is trying to get out.
I have to tell myself that Im NOT getting severance, because that was my plan, and if I get it, I wont learn the lesson that God has for me.
I dont know what the lesson, but I hope I learn it because this SUCKS!

Was I wrong in everything Ive done?

Trying anything

So,
Im wracking my brain trying to think of how I can be at home with my baby and not go broke. Then I saw an ad on Craigslist for a sales person for QVC. They wanted a person with specific experience in beauty facial products. I did not fit that description, but it got me thinking.
What if I was a host on QVC and sold items on TV in the middle of the night a few nights a week. That seems like a great scenario. I tucked the idea away until the day I found out how much day care costs.
Then I googled how to be QVC host. ehow had a great article that seemed quite helpful . Now I didnt have cable so I spent the day trying to watch QVC online. I finally got that running and started making notes on how to sell on QVC.
I also remembered that I have friends that do videography and photography.
Could this be something that I can do? Something that will work? It is definitely scary to think about. Especially since I bombed that presentation that I should have nailed.
Should I pursue it or is it a waste of time? Am I kidding myself? Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and everything and sometimes I feel like I cant do anything. But going through computer training, I realized that if I work really hard it can pay off. But should I pursue it, should I try? Ill pray about it...think about it and continue to make my notes.

Not Fair

It just seems and feels like Im alone carrying this burden.
My husbands life does not to appear to have changed all that much. He goes to work, he comes home, goes to soccer and plays with the baby, goes to bed...wakes up and starts it all over again.
Then there is me.
I carried a baby for 9 months. THEN I raised it for 3 thus far. Ive been home and Ive been loving it, but I think about this dilemma EVERYDAY about 100 times a day. How is it going to turn out. I pray about it, I talk about it, I started a blog completely surrounded by it. I am CONSUMED! I dont go out because its a lot of work. She hates the car seat.
Now Im going back to work and working for half the pay in my mind with less time for the baby. So his life is the same but better, my life is different but not the way I wanted AT ALL! I dont want to say it is worse...that seems a little drastic, I have a beautiful baby and everyone is healthy and if this is the worst of my problems then I am blessed.
But this isnt how I wanted it to go...this isnt what I worked for. What is the point?????

Pride comes before the fall

3 weeks after Em was born my company went through ANOTHER lay off.
I was really really hoping that I would be one of the people let go. I could get paid a severance package and collect unemployment while I searched for another job. It seemed PERFECT. So I waited and waited and waited…

This is how I was feeling towards the end of maternity leave.


About One month to go before I have to go back to work. I see an add on Craigslist for a trainer for Office 07 and Office 10. This is something I can TOTALLY DO because Ive done it.
I submit my resume and cover letter and just try to forget about it. That day I get an email asking to schedule a time for a phone interview. We schedule and a few days later Im on the phone interviewing. My experience so far has been that for every job Ive interviewed for I have gotten. So I feel PRETTY confident. We schedule a face to face interview and I am also to provide a mock presentation. I go to Target and buy a new blouse as none of my current ones fit...THANKS BOOBIES! And I dont bother practicng my presentation because I sat through it sooo many times and presented the software myself even.
I go to the interview and I think it went REALLY REALLY well. Im charming, Im honest, I look and feel good AND I find out there is contract position available. This could be EXACTLY what I was looking for! Now its time for my presentation. We go to the class room. I set up...its awkward as we wait for my PC to load. And then I start, then I stop, then I stutter, then I get lost, THEN one of the interviewers just leaves...then I ask to start over, and I do, then I get the ball rolling...They stop me. UGH!!! It-was-HORRIBLE! The interviewer tells me that Im not the worst that he has seen. AWESOME!
But I dont lose hope completely. I figure the interview will possibly save me, and maybe they will give me the benefit of the doubt and take a risk on me. Welp, today I was supposed to hear either way, and I heard nothing. I possibly screwed myself by being over-confident.
And I found out how much day care costs...Yikes...